Abide

Cymbalta Update

It's been about two and a half months since I started this medication, and these are my conclusions:

• this is not a miracle drug
• if you want to give it a try, anticipate a long adjustment period
• it does seem to help a bit, with both pain and energy

The side effects did not wear off, for me, until about three weeks ago -- and then only when I inadvertantly forgot one of my pain meds. If you are really knocked back by the Cymbalta, I suggest trying cutting back on any other pain meds you are on; it might do the trick.

About two weeks ago, I had the first indication that the hoped-for effects might be kicking in -- I walked up a short flight of stairs without thinking, without pain, and without the handrail! Now I find myself slowly, bit by bit, picking up loose ends that have been dropped for months.

So, I'm glad I stuck with it, and hope for continued improvement. A little hope; it's worth a lot.

Snake on the Path

I've now been on Cymbalta for four weeks, and I have, basically, two states of being: sleepy, or asleep. There is also drowsy, dazed, and dizzy, but those seem to be substates of sleepy. I'm too bleary to tell if there are other effects.

My doctor wants to give it another two weeks. So I will.

Naptime.

A Hole in the Clouds?

Somewhat desperate, I went to the doctor today, and he said he might actually have something that could help. He's very encouraged by the research and his own patients' experience. So, my own Cymbalta trial begins today. I'll keep you posted; anyone else tried it yet?

[Yes, I know that's not a cloud photo, but it's today's photo.]

Nature & Nurture...

Dr Russell Lane, a neurologist at Charing Cross Hospital, in London, said: "This exciting new work shows that some aspects of this complex illness may be understandable in molecular terms, and that CFS is not a 'made-up' illness."

More on the above, below.

I've not written here in ages -- mostly offline for awhile, now back on but adjusting to a switch from Windows to Mac. While I was without my laptop, I spent some time looking around my house. [You can follow this drama in The Laptop Saga category at Watermark, if you like.]

Whining

A week or two ago, I began a long, rambling, whiny entry. I thought, even if I don't post it, just venting may make me feel better.

Then I ran out of energy before I finished it.

And now I can't find it.

And I feel better, anyway.

banging heart

I read Me and Ophelia today with stunned respect -- for the courage of disclosure; for the easing of my own pain, through recognition; through affiliation -- unchosen, to be sure, but there nonetheless.  Her openness has eased my solitude, and I am grateful for that.

She says:

The imprisonment of long term chronic illness and loneliness is getting to me these past few days. I shall be glad when it is all over. Christmas I mean. I think. Although I wouldn't be at all disappointed if I went to sleep and never woke up again. I am always very grateful and appreciative of people's kindness and all the help I am given. But at times it does not seem worth it. Solitary confinement is no kind of life at all. My battle is unknown. There is no treatment or cure. They put animals down for lesser suffering. At least I have Ophelia to keep me company. If only she could speak ...

Following her example, I am posting a late-night ramble written sometime in the past few days (I actually don't remember when.)  But I am putting it below the cut:

Solstice Card

02004 Solstice Letter

Falling

Well, I've managed to fall up the stairs.  I've done this before, and I know there is likely to be a several-day consequence of pain and stiffness. 

This blog has a small readership, mostly of other folks with this illness, and I'm wondering -- do you do this, too?  A moment of inattention; a hurried, thoughtless motion -- and down I go.  I will do all the right things, a hot bath, and perhaps an extra pain pill before sleep; maybe I can escape the payback.  Sometimes I can. 

This is a drag, isn't it?  At least I've been reminded, again, to pay attention; to be in the moment.

Tired

A brief excursion yesterday, to the eye doctor -- less than two hours. A friend took me, so I didn't have to drive, and I was sitting the whole time. Came home, ignored my happy dogs, stripped down, and crawled into bed.

I am learning from this illness the different qualities of tired, as Alaska taught me the qualities of light. There is too tired to brush your hair, and too tired to brush your teeth. There is too tired to wash the dish, and too tired to eat. There is too tired to do what you want, and too tired to do what you must.

There is too tired to think of a clever finish for this post.

Zen

One of the effects of this illness, which I suppose one could consider a good thing, is that I can no longer rely on habit to accomplish the mundane tasks of my day; I must Pay Attention. Otherwise, I will turn on the coffee maker without adding water; pour orange juice into my cereal; and wear my shirt inside-out all day.

I am forced to live in the moment, attentively.