Abide

Invalid

@ Wiktionary:

invalid [adjective]

1. not valid; not true, correct, acceptable or appropriate

invalid (plural invalids) [noun]

1. One who is confined to home or bed due to illness, disability or injury
2. Any person with disability, e.g. invalid carriage

Usage notes

• The sense of a person confined to home or bed is considered politically incorrect by some.

It's been a tough few months; I am feeling invalid: not correct, acceptable, or appropriate; confined to home...

As I confront yet another decline, further in/abilities -- or, try to confront them. Try to accept, adapt, cope anew...

It's been over a decade now, that I've been ill -- sometimes better, sometimes worse; sometimes coping well; sometimes not. But managing, more or less, on my own.

But not lately. And, perhaps, not in future -- at least, not in the immediate future. This -- needing help just to manage day-to-day -- is another whole level of humiliation. I hate it.

Hate hate hate.

It pushes all the worthiness buttons. Sirens and alarms throughout my psyche.

At this point, I can live a sad, dreary, uncomfortable life -- with my companion animals neglected, and myself as well -- or I can face this, and apply for the help offered to the helpless. Medicaid. Aging Services -- though I'm not yet (quite) sixty. Help with shopping and cooking, household help --

But if I have that, perhaps I can walk the dogs again. Perhaps I can write more than briefly; perhaps I will pick up the camera again.

Just typing this, I am crying. And I don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't ask for help.

Messages that have been useful for me, in some things. Practices that have helped me push through this far, keeping my independence --

Now, possibly, counter-productive.

Do I deserve a good life? Even if I can't work for it? Even if I don't earn it?

How do people -- the saintly, the patient, the cheerful people -- how do they cope with this?

More on Chocolate

From Wired:

Scientists Explain Chocolate Cravings
By SETH BORENSTEIN

WASHINGTON (AP) -- If that craving for chocolate sometimes feels like it is coming from deep in your gut, that's because maybe it is.

A small study links the type of bacteria living in people's digestive system to a desire for chocolate. Everyone has a vast community of microbes in their guts. But people who crave daily chocolate show signs of having different colonies of bacteria than people who are immune to chocolate's allure. . .

. . . this isn't part of an effort to convert a few to the dark side (or even milk) side of cocoa, Kocchar said.

In fact, the study was delayed because it took a year for the researchers to find 11 men who don't eat chocolate.

Well, no surprise there. But why didn't they use women as subjects?

. . . a dozen substances were significantly different between the two groups. For example, the amino acid glycine was higher in chocolate lovers, while taurine (an active ingredient in energy drinks) was higher in people who didn't eat chocolate. Also chocolate lovers had lower levels of the bad cholesterol, LDL.

I'm tempted to make a Google alert for 'chocolate' -- it will be interesting to see where this research leads.

Maybe chocolate will be the new (old) aspirin!

Chocolate is Good for Us!

From BBC News:

Chocolate 'aids fatigue syndrome'

A daily dose of specially- formulated dark chocolate may help cut chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms.

Patients in a pilot study found they had less fatigue when eating dark chocolate with a high cocoa content than with white chocolate dyed brown.

Researchers from Hull York Medical School said the results were surprising but dark chocolate may be having an effect on the brain chemical serotonin.

I have to say, this is no surprise to me. My body has been telling me -- and I've been listening -- to eat a bit of dark chocolate every day. Of course,

Experts said patients should consume chocolate in moderation.

and

The researchers stressed the chocolate formulation used in the study was not currently available to the public.

Just wait -- they'll pull out some chemical, put it in a capsule, and expect it to work as well as the chocolate. Or, this will turn out to have been funded by some chocolate company.

But I don't think so; it sounds like the real thing.

I've been getting lots of alerts about this the past few days, but I first saw it at Lady Banana. Any of you who think I am (or was) inordinately attached to widgets must check out her site. She puts me in the shade. Deep shade.

Go have some chocolate!