invalid (plural invalids) [noun]
- One who is confined to home or bed due to illness, disability or injury
- Any person with disability, e.g. invalid carriage
- The sense of a person confined to home or bed is considered politically incorrect by some.
It's been a tough few months; I am feeling invalid: not correct, acceptable, or appropriate; confined to home...
As I confront yet another decline, further in/abilities -- or, try to confront them. Try to accept, adapt, cope anew...
It's been over a decade now, that I've been ill -- sometimes better, sometimes worse; sometimes coping well; sometimes not. But managing, more or less, on my own.
But not lately. And, perhaps, not in future -- at least, not in the immediate future. This -- needing help just to manage day-to-day -- is another whole level of humiliation. I hate it.
Hate hate hate.
It pushes all the worthiness buttons. Sirens and alarms throughout my psyche.
At this point, I can live a sad, dreary, uncomfortable life -- with my companion animals neglected, and myself as well -- or I can face this, and apply for the help offered to the helpless. Medicaid. Aging Services -- though I'm not yet (quite) sixty. Help with shopping and cooking, household help --
But if I have that, perhaps I can walk the dogs again. Perhaps I can write more than briefly; perhaps I will pick up the camera again.
Just typing this, I am crying. And I don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't ask for help.
Messages that have been useful for me, in some things. Practices that have helped me push through this far, keeping my independence --
Now, possibly, counter-productive.
Do I deserve a good life? Even if I can't work for it? Even if I don't earn it?
How do people -- the saintly, the patient, the cheerful people -- how do they cope with this?