Abide

Friendship

Looking over some old Watermark posts, I found this -- which clearly should have been posted here:

Photo by Abigail Robinson ~ click for larger image

This is the view from Abigail's bedroom in England, complete with seagull family. I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately; illness makes one reevaluate, and appreciate, friendships in a new way. Some friendships that would stand strong against a terminal illness, don't survive the stresses of a chronic illness. A different kind of patience is required.

And for the person who is ill, friends are seen in a new light. When energy is severely limited, one cannot afford relationships that exhaust and do not renew -- even if these relationships were enjoyable when energy was cheap. One's own motives come to the fore, as well. To the extent that a friendship was based on my own need to be useful, helpful, important -- it was less likely to survive my fatigue, which cannot maintain such demands.

This friendship with Abigail feeds me, as do some others, literally and figuratively; emotionally and spiritually. I have learned to pay attention: do I feel better about myself when I spend time with this person? If I'm tired after a visit (which I often am) do I regret it, or look forward to the next one. When I think back on an interaction, do I laugh? Or do I startle awake from painful dreams? Can I freely say "I'm tired now; go home."?

When you are well, you can afford difficult friendships. When you are well, the challenges they pose may even be rewarding. Not that any friendship is without difficulty, but some are more consistently so. Today I am grateful for those who have stayed with me, or found me and loved me, even in illness: Abigail. Niki. Kris. Cindy.

And others. And those who read this blog, and comment even knowing that I may not be present enough to respond.

Thank you all, for these views from my bedroom window.

Inspirational?

Cusp, at l'ombre de mon ombre, has given me an Inspirational Blogger Award for my beautifully crafted blog full of inspiration, creativity and courage in the face of M.E.

I do appreciate being appreciated -- and this is the first award Abide has received. The awards were initiated by Writer's Reviews, with the expectation that each blogger cited would nominate another five blogs in some combination of five possibilities. Since Cusp mentioned both of my blogs, I'm going to assume that I get two shots at this; I'm going to nominate from the Abide blogroll first, and do Watermark  later in the week.

It was a good exercise to peruse my blogroll after being mostly offline for months. Some of the blogs are gone; some are sleeping. I'll go prune the blogroll (and add l'ombre de mon ombre) later -- but I'll not delete the sleeping ones. Silences seem to come with the territory, don't they?

However, I have chosen these five from those that are recently active (except for michael; I just could not leave him out) -- and any of these would be well-chosen for an Inspirational Blogger Award as well as those I awarded. It was tough to choose categories.

The Courageous Blogger Award

For those bloggers who are battling or have battled with physical and mental illness, those who are survivors of abuse, poverty, or who have overcome other challenges in life. Those who serve in the military or work/volunteer in dangerous situations in order to provide a service or to help others. This award is for the strong, the brave, and the courageous.

• siona, who is bravely, deeply, transparent. She gives herself.
• francesca, who blogs, writes, and paints through depression

Both of these bloggers could as easily be given the Creative Blogger Award; siona is a powerful writer, and francesca's paintings are moody and evocative.    

The Creative Blogger Award

For those who bring unique and creative elements to their blogs. For those who incorporate art, music, creative writing, photo's, and other beautiful visual effects into their website. For those who put a unique spin on things and come up with new ideas. This award is for the artsy, the funky, the inventor, and even the rebel. This award is for those creative individuals who stand out from the crowd.

• A Life in Wales: writing, photography, solitude
• harmony: writing, painting, photography (the Abide banner image is from harmony)
• michael nobbs: drawings!

All three of these bloggers qualify as well for the Courageous Blogger Award; all create through the challenges of chronic illness.

If you are one of the bloggers nominated (& tagged) above, and you would like a blog badge, go to Writer's Review to pick one up. And, of course -- as with any of these tagging memes you find at my blogs -- participation is strictly optional.

Guilt, Shame, & Responsibility

I didn't ask to be born!

For some reason, trying to sleep in the early morning, I think of this adolescent wail. And I think, all around this world -- probably across the galaxy -- people are born into poverty and abuse, slavery and illness, hardship and brokenness -- and none of us asked for this. Of course, some philosophies and religions suggest that we did, but set that aside for the moment.

When I worked with sex offenders, their victims and their wives, the wives (especially wives of men who abused their own children) would often claim the blame for the abuse. There are, of course, some wives, mothers, girlfriends, who do know -- even condone -- their husband's crimes. But usually, not. Yes, it is possible to not know; or to suspect, but deny.

After awhile, I began to see these assertions of guilt as a rather sophisticated avoidance of responsibility. As long as a mother blames herself for her husband's behavior, she is distracted from her own. She did not abuse the child. But perhaps she did ignore the complaints of her children; refuse to hear. Perhaps she feared change; feared how things would be if the denial stopped. Feared what she would lose.

She can't change his behavior; she can only change her own -- and that means, often (usually) great upheaval for the protection of her children.

Why am I thinking of this now, and why am I posting it here, on a blog about illness?

Because I think I've been using the same mechanism. By blaming myself for being ill -- either for somehow bringing it on myself, or for somehow not curing myself -- I avoid responsibility for dealing with the fact of it. Here it is. Now what?

So when it's bad -- when I can't keep the house, or manage daily chores, or walk the dogs or write a blog post -- I feel shame. I feel guilt.

This is not helpful, both because I did not, indeed, ask for this -- but also because such feelings block my responsibility for finding a solution. I am not responsible for being ill; I am responsible for managing it. I've gone around and around this over the years -- too many years -- sometimes doing better; sometimes worse.

Where is the exit?